I figured that once you hit that mile stone, things would be a bit easier…NO! I feel like I am making that last track up the mountain, along with many challenges that push me to see how bad I truly want it. The Goddess calls many, but only a few make it, is what my HPS reminded us one day as we sat at the covenstead taking in our lessons. Doing some shadow-work, I pulled a card with the question of “Do I walk my talk?” and the card I pulled is yes…but honestly I feel like running some days. Looking into the dark recesses of your soul is not a lovely, fun trip. You do not want the t-shirt, the coffee mug, or the magnet…you just want out! I have finally admitted to being depressed..No not by my path, but by my work. So many hours and tied down too long, while I feel like my dreams and my wants pass. I have to consciously pull myself out of that every day, and learn to look at things a different way. For one, and this was one of my shadow questions “What do I loose my power to?” And yep, it gave me the 10 of cups…too comfortable. Maybe even lazy, but it’s this way..there are many distractions placed in our lives like TV or FaceBook. Sure, we can use these things to the positive, but many cases we get lost and find ourself sitting and just being mind bogged. I am so guilty of this. I like things that make me feel good, so I get lost in them as I just ride that feel good wave. I know this can be a good thing, but it cant always be the main thing. When I am feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in my own pity party, I heard the Goddess say to me “Hunny, those fields arent going to tile themselves”. Boy is she right. No one is going to prepare your future for yourself…except you. The Goddess is always with me, but its the God that works on me. Like I’ve stated before, when I dedicated myself to the Goddess, the God showed up in full presence. The God will throw you a sword and say “IF you are my own, you will stand up and fight me”, but some times I am like dang! When is rest? Not during sleeping, because that is when your work in the astral begins. Rest is the moments you spend with the Goddess. Those times that you sit and talk with the Goddess, releasing all the crap inside at her feet…those are rest times. There’s a lot of work to be done in the Pagan communities, as well as the Wiccan, or Wicce. When you choose the path of the Priestess, the clean up falls at your feet. And now, we are loosing many of our elders, much of our past is going as well.
Raymond Buckland passed a few days ago, and I felt that to my core. I did not know this man personally, only through his books and others. I still felt that connection to him as being an elder of the Path. He was the first to bring Gardnerian Wicca to the US. Even those Witchcraft existed in the US under different names, he brought that path to us and changed many lives. As connected as I feel to my elders, as well as Nature, I still feel a resistance. In the US, we have been so conditioned to go to work, eat the food they give us, watch the TV for entertainment and then get up and do it again. As a society, we arent being urged to go out and be proactive in doing things, just being a slave to the economy. The importance to getting out in nature, staring at the stars, breathing fresh air or sitting on top of a big mountain is tremendous. Staying inside doesnt help me much, it actually makes me worse, while being outside helps me greatly. I am preparing my porch to be more suitable for me to move myself mostly out there. There are several negative habits that I need to fix..and well I am working on them. That is why many dont make it this far, looking deep into your soul making those hard changes that need to be made….its so much easier to lie on the couch eating cheese curls. Pulling the brain dead part of me out of stagnation is a job in itself, but my regular job isnt helping. Working for some one that doesn’t understand the value of personal time isn’t easy. They are not doing it to be mean, just that’s their way, the one they’ve always known. Maybe by my work and my changes, I will help them out as well…who knows.
Those of you who can relate to these feelings of depression, know that you’re not alone. I feel they can be over came and I feel that it just takes us making some changes in our lives. Do some little things, listen to some beautiful music, look at some beautiful art, see the beauty around you. You have to get up and you have to go on. I did have a car accident not too long ago, I was not at fault as I was stopped and rear-ended. But this has made me slow down and ask for help. It has made me a bit more humble and taught me the importance of movement. So, today I take my sword and I stand up to my God and I fight him. I allow him to teach me the importance of intuitive movement, strategies, the importance of getting off my arse, and the wonderful feeling of accomplishment. He has taught me so much about my inner strength in the past few months, building me from the inside out….and that is how a Witch is truly made…From the inside out! The initiations are you being birthed by the Mother, but its the father that sets your soul in action. The Mother’s love and the father’s action…priceless!